By Terrie Johnson | UAB Community Health & Human Services Intern

The question, “Why are you still with him or her?” has been uttered in the quest to debunk the reasons why people choose to stay in unhealthy relationships. These reasons are usually consequences of internal and external factors.  

The overarching reason is the fear of loneliness; the victim fears being alone after leaving their relationship. Instead, they decide to stay and cope with abusive situations being optimistic and hoping their partners will change and the situations will become desirable with time due to emotional attachment.

Additionally, another common reason why some people choose to stay in rogue relationships is low self-esteem due to inferiority complex, shame, and fear of change (George et al., 2020). In this case, the victims feel they do not deserve something or someone better. Therefore, they opt not to leave their toxic partners as a means of self-preservation.

In cases of normalized abuse, especially in gender-based violence (GBV), victims have gotten accustomed to violence, physical assault, harassment, and psychological torture. As a result, they cope with the situation to the extent they neither feel the pain anymore nor see a good reason to leave their abusive relationships.

Other controversial reasons many people choose to stay rather than leave, are marital status and dependency. In many cases today, numerous people decide not to break up for the sake of their children or are legally married, hence avoiding divorce for their own personal reasons. For instance, women may perceive leaving their unhealthy relationship as problematic due to dependency on their husbands; thus, leaving will overburden them with responsibilities to look after the children, especially if they are unemployed or housewives.

The fear of societal judgement, embarrassment, shame of leaving their marital homes, and even lack of resources are all reasons why some stay in unhealthy relationships (Cavanagh, 1996). Finally, other factors that prevent some people from leaving are disability and fear or intimidation by their partners threatening them to stay. This stems from the victim being considered inferior and the abuser taking a narcissistic stance.

In hindsight, staying in an unhealthy relationship stems from numerous correlated factors. These factors are either inherent, implying that they result from the victim’s character, including low self-esteem or extrinsic, resulting from external factors such as societal norms and attitudes.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit https://www.thehotline.org/

References

Cavanagh, M. E. (1996). Why do people remain in abusive relationships? Pastoral Psychology, 44(5), 285-293. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF02262819

George, T., Hart, J., & Rholes, W. S. (2020). Remaining in unhappy relationships: The roles of attachment anxiety and fear of change. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(5), 1626-1633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520904156